Establishing Personal Boundaries

Hello my Beautiful Sisters,

Sorry I’ve been away but I will jump right into it. I have so much to share.

Establishing boundaries is an absolute necessity. No exaggeration! Using my own personal experience here and from my observations of friends, family and my students; females have great difficulty with setting boundaries. Why? One reason comes to mind “ FEAR”. We want to be liked. Period.

Many of us are mothers, sisters, and friends who do not set boundaries. Well ladies we must start. Now! Not after dinner. Or tomorrow’s soccer game or friends party or the next email. Now.

Learning to set personal boundaries is uber healthy for us. Did you hear that? Just like that next doctor’s appointment you were setting up for your daughter. I did one earlier. Setting personal boundaries is not only healthy it is a form of communication to others. Yes communication. We are at best vocally declaring our right to show we have self respect  and we know enough about our self worth not to disregard it.

Oh and by the way we can set personal boundaries and maintain healthy relationships with all of our love ones. Here’s another important note: we can’t enjoy our relationships without setting personal boundaries.

So, here’s 5 ways to end the cycle:

Say No

So many of us are people pleasers and to be honest I am still one to an extent but I’m learning. You see I never want to appear selfish so I put my needs last or never even acknowledge them. Well…be selfish. A certain amount is necessary for self preservation. If I’m tired now I say I’m tired or if I don’t want to go somewhere… I say so. Ladies it’s actually quite liberating.

Limitations

Know your limitations.  Simple. Well maybe not so simple but it’s a place to start. In everything it is important to know what you accept and what you do not. What do you find acceptable to your emotional and physical needs? Once you know your limitations you can communicate those to others. It’s definitely a process.

Assert yourself

Be Assertive

This is certainly not a call to action to go screaming “ I will not take it anymore” Lol although there are moments for that (ME) but it is strongly recommended you stand up for yourself and  give your voice the opportunity to be heard.

Expecting others to automatically know how you feel or how situations affect you is a recipe for disaster.  Being assertive doesn’t apply only to your job but also with your friends and family. I recommend starting with a family member; that should be fun.

Believe in yourself

Believe in Yourself

We are the best people to ask: what are our boundaries? Trust and spend some quiet time learning all your nooks and crannies. Evaluate yourself when you are at work, school, with family, friends, and with your significant other. What actions did you find you had a reaction to? Good and bad. Don’t let others make those decisions for you.

The respect we have for ourselves starts with believing. We know ourselves better than others. Knowing we are unique and special in every way earns us the right to personal boundaries.

Knowledge is Power

Knowledge is Power

Well in order for us to set personal boundaries we must first know what happens when we don’t:

  • Giving more than you have to give.
  • Going against your personal values to please others.
  • Letting others tell you who you are.
  • Not using your voice to speak up when you are treated badly.
  • Allowing others to disrespect you or your wants.
  • Accepting touches (sexual or otherwise) you don’t want.

AND MY PERSONAL NEMESIS…

  • Feeling guilty for saying no.

Setting personal boundaries is not SELFISH it’s SELF-PRESERVATION.

Empower yourself,

Aminah

5 ways to improve communication with girls

Unconditional Love

Just talk to me

I don’t know about you but it was very difficult to talk to my mother when I was a teenager. I mean she was there…I suppose but I felt as though I couldn’t just be with my mom the way I could be with my friends. Even my guy friends.

I had a strict upbringing and there really wasn’t any room for “conversations” with my mother because she was always doing something or going somewhere. I could count the number of times I had a heart to heart with my mom. Those days came much later.

So mom’s how do you communicate with your daughters? Do you make a point to talk with them? On daily basis? Don’t get me wrong. It’s a frickin job. As a mom I try to make it a point to at least give my daughters 5 -10 minutes initially. Then I’m off doing some other household task. We do alot! I mean who has the time? Well… make the time because if we don’t, we could be missing out on way more than we would like.

Here’s 5 ways to turn up volume on chatter that’s happening in your daughter’s life.

Face to Face

Girls really open up when you take the time to stop moving and give them face to face communication. Stop trying to multitask like ah boss and pay attention. Many times we want to be great moms and think that this type of a check-in will suffice. It won’t. Our daughters need our undivided attention. Face to face, in this very techno time where our daughters communicate by texting, cellphones and other forms of social media, face to face gains the title of special time. Set aside time for you and your daughter. When we give our daughters face to face communication they will feel how important they are and their conversation is to us through our body language and facial expressions. The dialogue will be relaxed and our girls will open up just a little more each time you sit down for a face to face.

Expect the unexpected

So just when you think you know your daughter… a new bomb gets dropped. I have three daughters and raising my first daughter was an eye-opening, learn by the set of your pants, and sometimes hurtful, experience. But I wouldn’t trade a thing. She taught me having little girls is not sugar and spice and yeah it wasn’t so nice a couple hundred times. So she was definitely my “tester” baby because boy I was ready for the next and the next well mostly. Those stalk deliveries carried a little something extra. I’m so damn thankful.

So expect the “oh yeah mom my friend’s boyfriend felt her up and what do you think I should tell her?” (my friend?) or They want to know about trying some Patroen. I kept it light. I have some real doozies. Expect the unexpected. Let go of the expectations remain open. Breathe cause it’s coming.

Loving means acceptance
Loving means acceptance


Listen with empathy

Empathy is defined as being aware of the others feelings and thoughts. To place yourself in another’s shoes. In other words stop talking and over talking your daughter. Listen with your heart and not your mind. I know that sounds like it came out of some new age CD but as moms we don’t know everything. And if you want to know some things listen. When we listen we hear with more than our ears. We feel their frustration, confusion, joy and pain. We show we have genuine respect for our daughters when we listen. We acknowledge and validate her existence when we listen. She really does have something to say. She who is a gift given in our care and soon will leave us. When we listen with empathy we teach empathy. When we listen love becomes a verb not a noun.

Peaceful interactions
Peaceful interactions

Remain calm and smile

We will always have those days where we wish are children to another dimension. Not forever (wink) but at least until we can take a deep breath. Our days get so hectic as moms and we, let’s face it, forget to enjoy the moment.  We…are…busy, I don’t have to tell you that; but when it comes to keeping those lines of communication open between you and your daughter; stop, remain calm, listen and smile. What she has to say is important. Why? because she has chosen to share. A rare sighting indeed when you have a teenage girl. I heard once in a movie   “ It is always surprising how small a part of life is taken up by meaningful moments. Most often they are over before they start, although they cast a light on the future and make the person who originated them unforgettable. “ This always reminds me to grab the meaningful moments when you can. Your daughter will not forget.

Tell her who you are

Girls love to hear stories about you. When you were a preteen, teenager and young adult. We weren’t always adults. I tell my girls “ I wasn’t always this put together (wink)” But I am willing to bet we could share some hair raising schemes we were involved in and didn’t blink. I think back sometimes and I am amazed I made it into adulthood and had kids! Girls want to know about old love stories, high school drama, your challenges and wins. It is empowering for them to learn how you handled your drama, escaped the clutches of detention and dealt with that one girl who just rubbed you the wrong way. We should never strive to be perfect; we should strive to be human with all our bumps and bruises.